I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for universal healthcare, I don’t ask for a living wage, and I certainly don’t ask for an X feed that doesn’t read like a sentient Caps Lock key having a panic attack. But as we barrel toward the midterms, I find myself on my knees, hands clasped, offering a silent prayer to my Silicon Valley overlords:
Please, Peter Thiel. I beg you, Elon. Make sure Trump doesn’t screw up cheating the Midterms!
I know, it sounds counterintuitive. Why would a self-respecting believer in democracy want the technocratic elite to successfully override the will of the people? The answer is simple and entirely selfish. I’m worried about the billionaires losing their ability to hoard wealth in advance of the game they are playing to see who can be the richest on the planet.
We are standing at a precipice, folks. On one side, we have the “End of Democracy”. A sterile hellscape run by Palantir software and a President whose primary policy advisor is a meme-posting billionaire with a God complex. On the other side? Accountability, and with all the chaos of the Trump administration and the loss of status from the United States of America, I don’t have the stamina for accountability.
The problem, as I see it, isn’t the fascism, it is the inefficiency. If you’re going to dismantle the American experiment and replace it with a corporate fealty system run by PayPal alumni, you need a CEO who can at least read a spreadsheet, or stay awake during a lengthy explanation.
We are banking on Donald Trump, a man who once stared directly into a solar eclipse, to outmaneuver whatever is left of integrity in the entire Department of Justice. We need him to be the Moriarty to the Constitution’s Sherlock Holmes. Instead, we have a bond villain who tweets his secret plans at 3:00 AM because he’s mad at a cable news host, and demands meaningless recognition for things he doesn’t deserve like a toddler desperate to prove his relevance.
This is where you come in, Mr. Musk. You land rockets on barges. You put chips in monkey brains. Can you not put a chip in the GOP apparatus that makes it competent enough to rig a midterm without leaving a paper trail visible from space?
Because if you don’t, we are facing the Purge of Legality, the likes of which this country has never seen. We will need to build an extra prison to hold all of those involved in one of the widest-ranging criminal conspiracies this country has ever seen.
Now just Imagine that the “Steal” fails. Imagine the midterms go fairly, somehow. The House and Senate flip. The subcommittees form. The gavels bang.
Do you know what happens then? C-SPAN. Decades of it. Decades of right0wing influencers being belittled and shamed for their support of the swift decline of the United States of America across the world stage. The realization of a New World Order without the United States’ involvement, such as the Speech PM Carmey gave at Davos implies.
If Trump and his Merry Band of Enablers don’t secure absolute power, we are looking at a half-decade of indictments. We will have to learn the names of deputy assistant attorneys general. We will have to understand the nuances of the RICO Act. We will be forced to watch cable news panels dissect the difference between “light treason” and “heavy sedition” until our eyes bleed.
I don’t want to watch Steve Bannon appeal a conviction in 2029. I don’t want to read the memoirs of a disgraced cabinet member trying to pay off their legal fees. I want the clean, decisive snap of an authoritarian takeover so I can stop refreshing my news feed and just focus on scrubbing the algae off my survival bunker.
So, this is a call to arms for the Technocracy! Peter Thiel, stop funding weird art projects and start funding a better ballot-stuffing algorithm. Elon, stop worrying about Mars! The atmosphere there is thin, but the atmosphere in a federal penitentiary is suffocating. You have the money. You have the data. You have the total lack of moral scruples. All we ask is that you provide the competence.
Don’t let the President mess up stealing the midterms with a teleprompter and a nap. Do it with the cold, unfeeling precision of a Tesla autopilot crashing into a parked ambulance. Because if you fail…if you let democracy slip through your fingers and allow the rule of law to reassert itself, we are all going to have to do something truly terrible. We’re going to have to pay attention to politics for the rest of our lives. And honestly? I’d rather have the chip in my brain.